So about those free gifts…

Hello.

I am writing to you today to let you know that I am taking a stand against this farce known as "Julyber Monday".

If Chubbies wants to give away thousands of free gifts they'll have to do it over my alive, but slightly perturbed body. 

In my humble opinion the three greatest officers of this here land are: court, police, and financial officers. As a member of this sacred brotherhood, I must protect and serve. In this case, I must protect Chubbies from itself. And in an effort to serve the greater good of the almight BOTTOM LINE (which seems to only be but a passing consideration here at Chubbies), I have cancelled this thoroughly irresponsible event.

Serving your customers is all well and good — but this level of promotion has just gotten RIDICULOUS. You've heard the expression "There's no such thing as a free lunch"? Well, similarly, "There's no such thing as a free star-spangled jammypack that blasts funky tunes that transforms its wearer into a pied piper of patriotism." AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT.

So here's what's going down.

• First off — I've TAKEN OVER the Chubbies mainframe computer. (Turns out the password was just "shorts1234")
• Second — I've given the world a glimpse into my life. The life of a true financial hero. The life of a "Young Alan Greenspan" as I'm known around my condo complex.

• Third — I'm not going to relinquish control of the Chubbies website until the founders agree to my five-year plan to raise prices on ALL Chubbies goods and to heavily, HEAVILY cut all costs. Every cost. If it has the word "cost" in it — IT'S GONE. That means no more costumes, MARKETING TEAM.

So there you have it. Take a look at my Magnum Opus here. And for those of you who were hoping for "free gifts" and a "fantastic summer full of ridiculously amazing free gifts," well BOO FRIGGIN HOO. 

SEE MY FULL TAKEOVER HERE

And to those of you who understand my financial mission, who understand my crusade in the name of the almighty P&L, to you I raise my "It's Accrual World" mug and tip my green eyeshade visor. 

Thank you for your time, I know how costly it has been. 

- Dave The Accountant

 

 

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